Almost 2013

I cannot believe it is almost a new year! Where does the time go? Oh right, the time goes by carrying a baby, raising a toddler, being a wife, working, and enjoying life.  As I look back on the year, it is amazing how blessed we have been. We have two beautiful children, two jobs, a house, and people who loves us. What more can you really ask for? While I am a little sad to see 2012 end, I am looking foward to 2013 and all the joys to come.  In just a few more weeks, my husband and I will be celebrating 14 years of marriage. That's right 14!  It is a lot of work, I mean  A LOT but we are both are committed now more than even to having a better marriage. That is my number one goal for 2013. Over the next day or two I am going to take some time to reflect of what is important to me and the goals I really want to pursue this upcoming year. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of 2012 with your loved ones!

Struggling with my new normal

Quite a lot has changed in our family since the last time I have posted, which is in part why I have been posting regular.  We are B U S Y!   At the beginning of October, NK surrendered his role as a SAHD and returned to work. He is back working in the field he loves and plans to spend the rest of his career working in.  It was an amazing opportunity that he could not or should not have passed up.  However, as you can imagine this has changed our family routine and dynamic.  I truly feel that God lead this change and that it will have a positive impact on all of us but getting into a rhythm has been rough.  NK is enjoying his new job and life outside of the home. It has allowed him a different perspective on the time he has with our children. Overall, I think he is a happier person.  L has taken to her class and teachers with no issues. She is a happy, easy going baby.  So that is two of us who are close to well adjusted....what about the other two? Well, considering the HUGE amount of change he has experienced since July E is doing amazing but there are still days. Days when I struggle to get him out the door in the morning, days where he cries when I drop him off, days he is acting out at school and home.  Those are the hardest days for me. The overwhelming sense of guilt and failure can be crippling.   And as a result, there are days that I am coming apart at the seams. Since my return to work I have lost or misplaced the following; my camera, L's insurance card, a credit card, and my ATM card. Nice, huh?  My brain is still suffering from "mommy brain syndrome" and it can be extremely frustrating.  So with all that being said, I have decided to begin making one of my favorite four letter words my new theme...GRACE.  I am going to starting granting grace not only to my family but  to myself.  (Heck, I may even start granting it to those crazy commuting drivers or less than tolerable work acquaintances! But first baby steps...)  I am not going to get angry if NK needs an extra sleep occasionally after being outside at work all week.  I am not going to tie myself up in knots when I hear E has again has a day where he is testing boundaries. I am not going to bash myself for being less that perfect.  Perfection is overrated anyway, right? ;o) I am also going to PRAY often.  Praying for my family is the best thing I can really do for them in situations in which I have no control.  So I am going to let go and let GOD! Taking time to pray, read scripture, and meditate brings me the most amazing sense of peace to which nothing else can compare. This is life I have been given so rather than fighting against it, it is about time I make peace and enjoy it!

On a lighter note, I hope that everyone is enjoying these days leading up to the holidays. I love this time of year and find it passes to quickly if you let it.

Manic Monday

I really have a dislike for Mondays, I won't go so far as to say I hate them but really don't like them. Of course being on maternity leave changes my perspective a little on these days because I am not getting up and heading into the office. That being said, it still being about this feeling of the fun is over and time to get back to business...why is that? So after enjoying a lazy day at home, today I am looking at the clutter and chaos in each room with a heavy sigh. There is laundry to do, clutter to clean, sheets to change, floors to vacuum. It all makes me a bit anxious. However, I am going to try to do something different today. Rather than approaching these things with angst, I am going to go about my chores slowly and try to seek some joy out of it. If E stops me to talk or ask for something, I am will try not to snap. If L begins crying while I am in the groove, I will try not to get frustrated. You see, these are the times where it hard to see the blessings, in the day to day chores of being a wife and mother.  I am stopping myself to remember that I will never get this time back, they are truly once in a life time and being home for this period of time is a blessing! So with that, I am off to tackle my list with a positive attitude and whatever doesn't get done an wait until....WHENEVER!

 

*RANDOM TERRIFIC TIP-I had been struggle with some baby poop stains on L's clothes. I tried the Tide Stain Remover which did nothing. So I asked my mom what she did. She used good old fashioned Borax made into a paste. I happen to have it on hand so I tried it out. I made the paste, scrubbed the stains with a the paste using a toothbrush, then let them soak in a bucket of water which contained a little Borax and laundry detergent. It worked like a charm! The stains were gone even after having been dried. I also had great success using this method on a certain little boy's white birthday shirt that was covered in red icing! So do yourself a favor, go get a box of BORAX!

And just like that...

you fall completely, head over heels in love.  Leia Lucia Kiernan was born on July 26, 2012 at 11:36am. She weighed 7lbs, 13 oz and was 21 inches long.  My scheduled c section went as planned.  The night before my c section, I was so filled with emotions. I finally laid down after midnight not fully understanding the reality that that was the last night I would be pregnant. My heart was aching for my first born, the son whom I had loved with all my heart since the day he was born. How could I love another baby without somehow diminishing my love for him? I literally sobbed in my bed. I sent a grief stricken text to my wonderful friend who lives in Hawaii. She knew just what to say and finally I let myself drift to sleep. As the morning light started peeking through my windows, I woke up with a sense of peace. I could do this, we could do this. My mom came over to get Emory, my BIL stopped by to check in on us, and then we finished getting ready to head for the hospital. No turning back.  Somewhere in the minutes after Leia was born, my fear evaporated. I knew just what everyone had told me was true. Your heart does really just double. We spent three days in the hospital bonding together and getting to know one another. It has been an amazing three weeks with her.  I am so blessed to have these two wonderful children and my husband by my side. Without a doubt, I know that this was God's perfect plan for me.

The last night

As I sit here at the computer, I am mess of conflicting emotions.  Tomorrow is the big day when we finally get to meet the baby girl everyone has been dreaming about since early spring when we found out her gender. There seems to be so much excitement surrounding her arrival but I am just not there... yet. Maybe you call it denial but it seems surreal to me that these are the last hours I will be pregnant, that the boy I have loved for nearly three years will now be sharing that love with his sister, or that my husband transform into an amazing father. Don't get me wrong, I am happy and feel incredibly blessed to be walking through this journey again. I just can't seem to grasp the reality of it all. My bags are packed, the plan for E is in place, and the to do list is complete. We have cleaned the house, trimmed the yard, stocked up on neccessities, you name it it has probably been done. In fact, I am now surrounded by the smell of lemony fresh Lysol as NK just finished mopping the downstairs. :o) I guess in life there are some things you just have to experience first hand, no amount of imagining can suffice. So for now, I will make myself a cup of tea (my last beverage or food until after my surgery), plop on the couch, and wait for the sleepiness to set.

38 weeks

OK, so maybe I will finally have to abandon my assumption that this baby girl will come early. She seems to be incredibly comfortable in the womb and hasn't dropped yet. My Braxton Hicks contractions seem to have subsided and other than some minor aches, there is no sign of forward progression. That being said, I am BEAT! I am working my normal office hours this week (9.5 hrs in the office plus approx, 1 hr, 45 min commute) with my last day being Friday. My saving grace this week is that I am able to work from home today. I have struggled through these last weeks, emotionally, just wanting to throw in the towel and stay home until the baby is born but practically speaking that wasn't a good option. So my plan for next week is to maybe work a few hours here and there until we head to the hospital on Thursday morning. Wow! So here goes another day...Happy Hump Day!

13 days or less ...

Today is Friday the 13th and I have 13 days to go before my schedule csection. At my doctor's visit earlier this week I showed no signs of progression, so not dialated or effaced. I still can't help but feel like at any point my water could break and change the whole game plan. This is what happened with Emory. I think I may have reached 1 cm and around 20% effacement by 38 weeks. I was fully prepared to wait until after my due date to deliver ( September 16). Then boom!  At 8:15pm on Labor Day my water broke like a giant water balloon and everything was set in motion. Emory was delivered in the early hours of September 8, 8 whole days before my due date. My current scheduled date is 6 days before my due date. I have felt the whole time that she would come early which has led me to prepare everything as to not be caught off guard. Everything is set with the exception of a just a few small things that are really of no consequence. So for now, I wait.  I have done some "nesting" this morning and vacuumed all three of our vehcles, now searching for something else meaningful....

Life Lessons....

Just a few random lessons and thoughts that are on my mind this evening....

1) The best part of being an adult is you get to choose the company you keep. For me personally, I no longer choose to be around people who are negative or have WAY too much drama.

2) Be a real grown-up, don't hide behind a computer screen. If you wouldn't say it in person, don't say it on line.

3) Old friends are the best, the ones who call you out of the blue and pick up where you left off no matter how long it has been.

34.5 weeks

I have to admit that although I have felt like this pregnancy has taken forever, the past few weeks have flown by. We have spent lots of time with family over the past few weeks and have celebreated two graduations.  As silly as it may sound, I am feeling this cocoon of love around us. We are so incredibly blessed to have amazing friends and family in our lives. They really make all the difference.

Physcially I am doing ok, just the typical third trimester discomforts. And wowzers the heat is not helping! Although no one wants to hear me say this, my gut instinct tells me that this baby will come early. I am not exactly sure how early but I have strong feeling she will arrive before July 26th as scheduled. I am praying we both hold out a few more weeks so she can bake a little longer and so we can finish up the last few things we need to do. In order to ease my anxiety, I have started packing my bags for the hospital and ensured that my family knows the "plan". Other than everything in the exact spot, I  feel like we are really set for her arrival. So for now I take a few more deap breaths, write another to do list, and wait for the big day.

Third Trimester Lag

Today has been one of those days where I feel every bit of my 31 weeks and 3 days. I  have been SO tired all day and have even cat napped while E watched a favorite show which never happens. I have no doubt it is because I did too much yesterday but what is done is done. So as napped time rolled around today I started thinking about how nice to would be to get a manicure and pedicure but had not motivation to leave my house. I also have serious misgiving about being in the nail salon surrounded by the chemicals they use for artificial nails, not to mention the cost. So on a whim, I opted to take an hour and do at home spa day with things I already have here. So one hour later, I took a shower and did a full body sugar scrub, facial scrub, moisturized, plucked my eyebrows, soaked my feet is peppermint salts, gave myself a manicure and a pedicure. All at no cost since I had the supplies already at home and never had to leave the house. Now that is a win! Now I still have enough time to kick up my feet for half an hour before the boy gets up. I need to remind myself of this when the new baby comes and I am need of a little mental break. Sure paying someone else is super nice but being able to stay home and treat yourself is a great thrifty option.

Through thick and thin...

After spending the last few days with my husband, I am struck but how much we have weathered together. It sometimes feels like it is hard to remember a time when he wasn't in my life. I am completely comfortable admitting that our relationship has not been without it's struggles but I will say in spite of it all we are intensely committed to one another and our family. Watching his transformation over the past 17 years has been amazing but none quite as amazing as watching him become a father. Nothing makes me more weak in the knees than seeing him snuggling with our son. And last night, I was touched as he kissed my belly without a second thought.  To top it off, he smiled as he relayed to me of how the night before as I was sleeping he snuggled with me after coming to bed that as he held my belly our baby girl was moving and kicking. He refers to her by her name, "L", he talks to E about her arrival, lets me show him all the clothes coming into the house, and teases me about my royalty status since I am carrying the princess. Yes, I think we are just are just about ready for this baby girl's arrival.

Leaving work at work

Why is this phrase so much easier said than done? Let me be honest and say my job is not overly stressful but is certainly annoying and frustrating at times. Oddly enough if I remember correctly, I went through a similar stage in the months before I had E. Anyway, as I am about to leave work for the day I can feel the tension in my shoulders about the day's events.  On a normal day, it is exhausting but partner that with being nearly 28 weeks pregnant along Braxton Hicks contractions and I am downright cranky. Luckily for my family, I have a long enough commute that I can simmer down before I get home but of course then I get to deal with traffic. So how do you give your family, in particular my son, your best when you feel irritated and tired? It is not an easy task but I am finding new ways to cope. Here is what I have come up with.

1) Do not talk about work on the commute home. My carpool tends to vent about the day and while it can be theraputic, these days it just gets my blood boiling. So to combat this, I plan to bring my Kindle, listen to my trusty MP3 player, or take a nap.

2) Do not talk on my cell phone while in the car. It can be fun to chat on the way home but these days my prego brain needs no more distractions! Instead, I will listen to music I enjoy (not the new) or listen to nothing at all. My quiet will surely end when I hit the door!

So there it is just a couple of ways I want to resume my separation between work and home life.

TGIF

Thank goodness it's the weekend. As my waistline continues to expand, it seems like my weeks are feeling longer and longer. I "almost" allowed my day to be ruined but something unimportant. Notice, I said almost. I turned lemons into lemonade. I completed my glucose screening today and made the call to my boss to see if I could just work from home the rest of the day...brillant. It was the best solution for a cranky mama! I avoided my commute, was able to do some chores, surprised E when he came home from school, and took a late lunch with the boys. Now the work day had ended and I am in a fine mood. Let's see what the rest of the weekend holds. Tomorrow I am thinking a trip to the farmer's market and a my sister's soccer game will do.

Have a great weekend everyone!

31 months, 7 days

That is is how old my sweet baby boy is today. I wish I could have kept up with posting on regular interval but life takes over and you just have to accept it. So I figured today was as a good a day as any to post about my little handsome.

Dear E,

It is still hard for me to imagine you are over 2.5 years old but at the same time I can hardly remmeber the days when you weren't here.  You are fully of energy and personality.

STATS:
Height-38 inches tall
Weight- 32 lbs
Clothing Size- Mostly 3T is all tops, 3T in bottoms only if the waist band is adjustable and only for length, other wise if is 2Ts for your narrow waist
Shoe Size- 9.5 and moving towards a size 10
You are shaped just like your daddy, long and tall. Seeing you two walk side by side makes be chuckle because you look like a mini version of your daddy.

Likes:

Some of your Favorite Food- TJs Cereal Bars (every morning! ), Fruit- Apples, Grapes, Cantelope, Pears, Honeydew, Blueberries, Bananas just to name a few, You love breakfast foods-Eggs, Bacon, Oatmeal, Pancake, Waffles, French Toast, Yogurt, Cereal, Spaghetti is your favorite meal, Peanut Butter Sandwiches are the perfect lunch, and of course the typical toddler favs like pizza, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers, and frend fries. Still not real vegetables will cross you lips unless it is in a pouch...we are working on that!
   -Now when we go to Five Guys, you almost demand your own burger so mama is saving calories while fighting for her burger.
   -You love to "dip" you foods. You love the spicy Italian olive oil dip at Carrabas.
   - Mama has put her love for chips on you. Sometimes we have a "chip picnic" on the family room floor after work where we eat regular chips and dip.
*You are pretty good eater and we are working to expand your palate. Mama and daddy work hard to ensure that if you are eating "toddler" food they are of good quaility, whole grain, etc.

Acttivities: Playing outside is stll number 1-riding bikes, digging in dirt, blowing bubbles, running and more running, playing with trains is a daily occurance, racing cars of all shapes and sizes, trucks are awesome and can be used for transporting things, and building with blocks or Legos is awesome. We do a lot of reading as well and have expanded your books beyond board books. We do allow you to watch some TV and it is limited to SPROUT or PBS. Without a doubt your favorite show is Caliou and you ask to watch it often.  You love doing crafts, coloring, and painting which keeps mama busy for ideas on Pinterest!

Your vocabulary has expanded so much over the past 6 months. We love hearing all your new phrases and you can mimic just about any word/sound. You love going to your playschool class on Friday and the teachers compliment us on your manners and development. You are already signed up for two days in the Fall.

I could probably go one forever about all the cool things you do and say but I will wrap it by saying, you are an amazing child who has brought us more joy than we could imagine. I love you to the moon and back.

Accepting Imperfect

While I have made the whole point of this blog to be about accepting the "imperfect" parts of my life, it is still tough at times to do. I had one of those weekends where I was struggling to accept the less than perfect. I struggled with my tiredness from pregnancy, my round figure, this stupid cold I can't kick, my less than perfect marriage...you name it. And so you know where that got me? NO WHERE except depressed and lethargic. So on Saturday afternoon I "got over myself." This is a common phrase my husband and I use to remind each other that life isn't that bad and we need to suck it up. So after a nice hot shower (with no interruptions) and a good nap, I got about the business of "getting over myself." I took E outside to play while my husband labored over a new flower bed in our backyard. I enjoyed myself and let go. It made all the difference and then came the rain. There is something about a good rain storm or a rainy day that washes away, physically and symbolically, the funk. So yet again, I am ready to accept and enjoy my imperfection.

The Comparison Game and other randomness...

Why is it that women have this innate gene that causes them to compare themselves to one another? Men may certainly do this as well but since I am indeed a woman, I can only speak from that perspective. We start out early by comparing clothes, hair styles, and the obsession over the "perfect" body. I can say from my experiences that this does not get better as we merge into motherhood. In fact, if anything, I think it gets worse. We compare ourselves to other moms we respect and admire with little really insight to their daily lives. We allow ourselves to feel inadequate if we don't measure up to this mama in this way or that way. We seek approval from other mamas we know as if our own instincts are not good enough. I am all for fellowship and sharing in the community of motherhood but at some point you have to trust your gut and just know you are doing the best for YOUR family. This pregnancy is all about learning life lessons and this has been one of my light bulb moments in the past few days.

I am good enough, my instincts and decisions are just right for me and my family. In my 32 years, I have managed to get where I am today by the decisions my parents made for me and later the decision I made for myself. And I have to say, I think I turned out pretty good. This all started to hit me over the past weekend when I attended my 10 year college reunion and spent time with a beautiful group of women, all living completely different lives which suit them perfectly.

However, the real light bulb moment came to me yesterday as I sat in my OB's office. First of all, I have to say I really love her...no I mean really. During my pregnancy with E, I had most of my primary care visits with Jill, a CNM. I loved her too and was devastated when I learned that she was leaving to pursue other career opportunities within my HMO prior to this pregnancy. So fast forward to December when I first met my new OB, she was definitely different that my CNM. She was young, African American, full of energy and super tall nothing at all like my middle aged, motherly midwife. Her enthusiasm for my pregnancy took me back. I thought she might have actually been more excited that I was. Over the past few months, our relationship and my trust in her has grown. Above all else she supports me and the health of my baby. Along the way, we have traded e-mails and phone calls. She is quick to respond to me and my concerns. She is part counselor and part doctor.

So back to my original point....It was during our visit yesterday when discussing my labor and delivery plans, that it clicked. I don't have to measure up to anyone else's standard. I can trust my own instincts and in the end that is really what is best for all of us. I don't need to seek outside approval from my friends, blogs, chat room, or anything else. In that acknowledgement came a great sense of freedom. I am blessed to be surrounded by a close circle of friends, some mamas and some not who have ridden the wave of my emotions and entertained my varying views. In the end, I know they support ME no matter what I decide and that is a good feeling. Sometimes that is the best thing a woman can ask for.

Sweet Moments

After finding out I was expecting baby #2, I made a conscious decision not to waste the remaining one on one time I had with E. While of course I am excited about meeting our new baby, I didn't want to let these days where it is just him and I slip away. I have taken time to go to lunch together, visit friends, hang out at local parks, have pj days, and enjoy our one on one time together. One such opportunity presented itself earlier this week. Unfortunately, my husband told me in the wee hours of Monday morning that he was feeling pretty awful and asked if I could stay home. Of course! After spending a good part of the weekend on the road attending my 10 year college reunion (more on that at another time), I was more than happy to take another day at home. So when E woke up before 7am, it was no big deal. I just pulled him into our bed since NK had relocated to the couch. He watched his PBS programming while I continued to doze. We went downstairs, had breakfast and enjoyed a leisurely morning while NK took time to sleep/rest. With the outside temps climbing, I decided it would be a good idea to get E outside for some water play. So out came the baby pool and sprinkler! It was quite a treat for a mid-April day and we loved every minute. The rest of the day followed our normal routine with lunch, nap, playtime, dinnertime, bath time, etc. It was an amazing day for E and I. I was smiling from ear to ear and relishing in our time together. I even took some time during his nap to look through the journey of his life so far. This boy, this amazing soul, stole my heart well before his birth. At any given time, he has both my and his daddy's hearts in the palm of his tiny hand. So even on a day like today when he woke me up several time through the night, I can still say I love being his mama.

Going against the grain...Allergies

From the time my son was 7 weeks old, we discovered that at certain times of year he had cold like symptoms that seemed to persist for a week or more. There was no fever, no colored mucus, but lots of congestion. For the most part, my husband and I assumed it was some minor cold and treated the symptoms as best we could with pain reliever, a cool mist humidifier, and a nasal aspirator. It took a little while to figure out what was going on but finally in November 2010 after spending another Halloween with a fussy baby, he was diagnosed with seasonal allergies by his pediatrician. The recommendation was to give him 1/2 a teaspoon of children's Cetirizine (generic Zyrtec) until the first snowfall. This seemed to help for a little while and we made it through early spring with no real issues. We would give him the medicine when the symptoms started and slowly weaned him as the weather conditions seemed to improve.

It wasn't until later summer, August 2011 I noticed again he was miserable. Again, we went to the pediatrician and this time she recommended a prescription nasal spray. Desperate to help him "feel" better, I accepted the advice, ordered the prescription, and went on my way.

Then once again in March the symptoms started to flare up. I have no doubt the first part was truly a cold but once that cleared up the allergy related symptoms continued. We upped his dose of Zyrtec...no change. We adding in the nasal spray....little change. In addition to the normal symptoms the severe congestion led to a cough and then I became worried. E had a horrible URI back in the winter where wheezing led to x rays, a nebulizer, and a steroid. Paranoid that my son might indeed be wheezing, and even more afraid of an asthma diagnosis, I made an appointment to see the pediatrician. Luckily, his chest was completely clear! His ped and I talked at length about his symptoms and she recommended another prescription. What, wait?!? STOP! I politely asked if this would be over medicating him to why she replied no and that it would only be for a short period of time. We could also eventually scale back and determine which ones were helping and those that did not. Again, seeking relief we went out the pharmacy and picked up the prescription which he was to take at night. After getting back home, I told my husband what the doctor had recommended. His response, "we never should have given him anything." And you know what I agreed! Nothing was really making it better except those steam showers and suction his nose. So right then, we decided that the next day we would take him off all allergy related medicine and see what happened. At the same time one of my college friend's posted some homeopathic ways to treat allergies without using medicine...needless to say I was inspired.

Starting on March 28, we took him off everything except his daily multivitamin and fluoride drops (we have well water). I cleaned his room and kept the windows shut. My husband changed our home air filters. I gave him some herbal tea with honey at first to help with the cough. The results have been AMAZING. Within days the runny nose stopped, the cough went away and he is back to normal. The pollen count continues to be high and E is spending plenty of time outdoors.

Now let me take a step back and say this situation has not caused me to wage a war on Western medicine or seek a new pediatrician. I honestly believe our pediatrician was trying to address the concerns of a worried mother. She is super compassionate and she is great with E. And honestly, we don't see her that often. We are blessed that E has been a pretty healthy kid and for the most part we apply common sense/homeopathic practices to treat things at home. It has however, made me resume my skepticism of traditional medicine and the idea that a pill or syrup is always the way to address an ailment. NK and I are not medicine people. Sure we may take Nyquil when we have a bad cold (pregnancy not withstanding), pop a Tums for heartburn, or take some pain reliever for a head or body ache. But this is a rarity, we generally just suffer through and use a homeopathic way to treat the issue. Going forward, I will be looking a little harder at how I let doctor's treat/medicate not only my children but myself. I have no worry for my husband because he generally refuses to go tot he doctor or take medicine. This has also peaked my interest in alternative medicine options for our family. I have already added fish oil back into my daily vitamin and we have ordered probiotics that we will start taking daily. I am drinking organic herbal pregnancy tea daily. I also have renewed faith in the power of foods to treat as well.

Stay tuned...the crunchy train has refueled and is leaving the station!

Learning as I go

As I looking back on the past months of this pregnancy, I can't help but reflect on the lessons I have already learned. Some of these lessons were started when I had E but it has taken until this pregnancy for me to fully embrace them.

1) A clean house isn't important. -I do not mean that we have decided to let our house turn to filth but there is a different sense of importance. There will always be clutter, there will be chores to be done, but my son will not be 2 forever. Life only happens once so it is important so don't waste it.

2) Pajama Days are awesome.- I no longer feel ANY guilt what so ever on the days we stay in on pjs until the afternoon. There is something about staying in your pjs which forces you to take the day at a slower pace, to stay a little more relaxed.

3) Some things will have to wait.- This pregnancy has left me much more tired and most recently with lower back pain. At times, I am physically unable to do the things I need or want to do. And while it is frustrating at times, I am learning to let go.

So there they are, just a few tidbits I have picked up along the way on this journey called motherhood. I will do doubt continue to add to this list but for today, this were the one laid upon my heart.

Our big purchase

So today we made a big purchase and not one you would expect. Today I purchased a headstone for my father's grave. As you may remember, my father passed away last year. I have lots offeelings and emotions connected to this purchase as you can imagine but in the end I am happy to be a position to be able to do it. As I met with the cemetery rep today, I thought about how I would be attending my 10 year college reunion next weekend. That's right, 10 years! I also thought back to the man who helped make that dream possible, the man who financially supported me whenever I needed it so it seemed only right that I would return the favor. It was an amazing sense of independence to be able to pick it our and design it myself with little care to what any one else thought or wanted. This was not the case when I helped to plan his funeral and will always bring me a bit of resentment. But today, I did what no one else in my immediate family is financially able to do. So from now one when I take my son, and later my daughter, to visit their "Paw Paul", they will have a beautiful spot to look upon. My father deserved much better than the ending he was given but now at least my husband and I can be proud that we gave him the honor and respect he deserves.

Consignment Sales Rock!

This weekend I headed to a local consignment sale to see what deals I might be able to score for the kiddos. I had debated going all week but opted to go on the 50% off day. I figured is they had things great, if not oh well. I had been holding off on buying any girl clothes for the past few weeks and had instead been investing in some girly clother diapers and accessories. However, at half price who could resist? I first visited the toddler boys section and was pleasantly surprised at the things I found for E. I added some summer outfits, t shirts, short overalls (love), a pair of play shoes, and some pjs...score! Now onto the baby girl section...WOWZERS! I managed to use some discretion but did not pass over great deals on sleepers and dresses, oh the dresses! The dresses with bloomers to match! I was smart enough to plan out what sizes should would be wearing when as to not waste money on things she would never wear. After I was done with my mad dash shopping, did I mention my friend and I brought our two year old boys? I threw the bag onthe counter and waited with bated breath hoping I didn't spend too much. After the cashiers were done removing hangers and folding clothes, she announced my total $55.39. Holy cow, $55 bucks for all of the stuff. I smiled, thanked them for their help, and took my trash bag full of clothes to the car. I have vowed to never again go to the full price day and am relished in my purchases, already washed and in use for the boy.

Now don't ask me about my splurge at Carter's yesterday...it couldn't be helped. But at least it was on sale?

Make Up Free Friday

I have to admit that I have never been the person who can't leave the house with make up on. In fact, I rarely wear makeup on my days or weekends off. However, I do wear it daily to work. I have noticed that the condition of my skin is a little different with this pregnancy, I don't feel like I have the same "glow" that I did with Emory. My face breaks out more often and it is a little splotchy which makes me feel a little self conscious. But why? Why does it matter so much? Do I really look that different with make up? I tested this theory two weeks ago on a Friday. I wore no make up and came in with only my freshly washed face and delightful rose mosturizer. I asked one my co-workers, who I deam to be a honest broker, if I looked ok. Her response, you look the same! So my plan is to go make up free on Fridays from now on with maybe the exception of a little mascara and lip gloss. This will give my skin a chance to breath and allow me to be more comfortable in my own skin (pardon the pun). I need to enjoy this stage of my life when I still have youth on my side. Who knows maybe with a little time the glow may return!

Sugar and Spice...

and everything nice! That's right, we are having a girl! It has only been 6 days since we found out but it feels like a lifetime. We had out ultrasound last Monday. I went to work in the morning and NK met me there. Of course, I was an obedient patient and finished off my 24 ounces of water 15 minutes earlier than my appointment time only to have to wait 30 minutes past the appointment time. Nice.

At11:30am we were finally called in to get the process started. We had the same awesome tech that we had with Emory so it was like seeing an old friend. I also happen to trust her judgement and she is super personable. As soon as we got situated she asked if we wanted to know the sex, we responded yes. And by 11:32am, it was clear as day we were having a girl. No doubt about it! I looked towards my feet hesitantly at NK for his reaction. He gave me a quick smile and then I put my focus back on the screen. A few minutes later, NK sat down in the chair. I looked over and he was rubbing his face...uh oh. However, within just a few seconds his head popped up, his cell phone turned on and he was sending texts to close friend and family spreading the good news. Whew! We went through the rest of the ultrasound and were happy to see that she (yes, she) looks perfectly healthy. After we left the appointment, we headed to lunch together...alone. As we seated, hubby asked me if I brought in the pictures. I had not so he excitedly volunteered to go grab them from the car. Over lunch we chatted about how much baby girl seems to resemble Emory's profile as well as what life will be like with a daughter. It was awesome.

I have to saw while I had no gender preference as we approached the ultrasound, I have to admit finding out we are having a daughter has been such an awesome surprise. Now we will have one of each, the perfect pair. I have slowly started the nesting process at home as we will be switching Emory into the bigger room. Since we found out I have ordered a few girl cloth diaper accessories via an Amazon gift card, purchased a new crib set and mobile courtesy of Target's on line clearance, and picked up some onsies on clearance at TJ Maxx. I remember now how much I enjoyed my pregnancy with Emory and planning for his arrival. It is such a special time and one I do not plan to experience again. I am soaking it all up and enoying the process.

In the meantime, I am taking advantage of life as a family of three. I am working hard to connect with my hubsand and enjoy any quiet time we can get. I am also getting lots of quality time in with Emory aka my little handsome. Having him in my life has brought about so much joy and love that I never knew existed. He has my heart in the palm of his tiny hand and doesn't even know it. I am blessed beyond measure and by far beyond what I deserve.

You know you are a boy mom when...

you allow your son to bring in his dirty "bike" to ride on a Winter evening. I mean who cares? Floors can be vaccummed and cleaned. This is just one of the many things I never expected I'd let go before having children. Having a child, especially a boy, has taught me more about letting go and enjoying the moment than I ever expected. It is way important to my husband and I that our son have fun experiencing life than keeping him clean or having a perfect house. I am not sure if the next baby will be a boy or girl but he/she will have a great time following the path their older brother has made. (Wow, did I really just say older brother? )

Missing Cloth

I never thought I'd really say this but both my husband and I were missing our cloth diapers this week. We live in a home with a well which every now and then again revolts against us, spewing out rust colored water. Luckily we do have a water treatment system but after a couple of years, it is still learning process for us. The original company who installed the system was awful but luckily last spring we found a great guy who we love and has taught as all the details of how to work our system. In any case, the rust colored water left me with a problem. Once we used all of our clean cloth, we could not wash them in fear of staining them all. So we had to wait it out and use disposables.

At first, it seems great. Disposables are easy, right? Just wipe and toss. But after a few days, the novelty wore off particularly when I had to go by more at the store. Even my husband made a comment last night that he would feel more urgency to enforce potty training if we were paying for disposables. Who knew anothe benefit of cloth was to allow us to do potty learning at our own pace?

Our diapers made it back into rotation yesterday and while I think we did get some staining, I think it will fade in time and honestly I could care less. My goal is to get the most out of these diapers while I have them for both kiddos. If I am able to resale or pass them down after we are down in another few years then great, if not oh well!

This has also made me even more convinced that I will work cloth into our routine early with baby number two. I have already have a small stash that is just for this baby that includes 2 small BumGenuis 3.0s, 2 medium Bum Genius 3.0s. 3 BumGenuis 4.0 Artist Series, and 1 Econobum Cover. I have my hot little hands on an Amazon Gift card that my husband generously offered up for the baby. I am waiting until we find out the gender in two weeks before I make any purchases.

JAVA UPDATE

I figured it only right to provide an update on my status of giving up coffee. I could get to the point and say, I failed but that isn't how I truly feel. I did make a conscious decision to give up coffee for the week and made it Thursday before I cracked. However, although I did cave into my addiction, I also had a wonderfully productive day. I did a great morning work out, accomplished tons of stuff and was able to make it through my evening with my family with a pleasant attitude. Is that really failing? And yesterday I went back to being java free. I certainly plan to continue to restrict my intake and will not drink coffee everyday but instead I am going to plan out my coffee endeavors. I will not just drink "any old coffee" but rather will reserve my planned coffee days for something I really enjoy like Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts and maybe a home brewed cup on a weekend day. I may also limit myself to half caffeinated on those days. I will also be sure to drink tons of water on those days and everyday to keep my system well hydrated. So there it is, my confession. I am willing addict to the dark stuff. Now I am going to going to go back to sipping my one cup of the day before we have swim lessons....BRRR.

For the love of Joe...

I love coffee, like really love coffee. Oddly enough, I made it through college and well into my adult life before I picked up the habit. I thought it was horrible and could not understand how anyone could drink the stuff. I was not stranger to caffeine but I preferred Pepsi or tea, especially iced tea. A couple of years after college, my cousin introduced to the Toffee Nut Latte at Starbucks and I began to consider it much less repulsive but I stuck to that drink and that drink only. Then I discovered a Spice Pumpkin Latte and was in love but still a fancy foo foo drink at Starbucks is a far cry from drinking the "real stuff". A few more years passed and while my husband I were on a trip to the mountains together I decided to drink the brew with breakfast, not too bad with the right about of creamer and/sugar. So I tiptoed into the java world ever so slowly, it was s special treat on a cold day. I was really gaining steam in my addiction when I discovered I was pregnant with my first son and immediately put on the breaks. I limited myself to decaf (GAG) and non-java caffeinated beverages. Throughout my pregnancy and after giving birth I remained keenly aware of my intake until...I returned to work. How in the world was I ever going to make it through 2 hours of commuting and a 9.5 hour day without something? I was still up nursing E at night and working full time. I knew it wasn't the best for a nursing mother to be drinking coffee but this nursing mother had to survive. So I tried to be reasonable with my intake and let it roll. After my nursing days ended and the exhaustion of being a mother continued, the java addiction grew until. So what is the point of all this you ask? Well, here I am 14 weeks pregnant and I am in need of an intervention. Sure, I have cut back my daily caffeine amounts and even skip days but the addiction is still there. I know that there is information out there saying some coffee is OK in moderation but let's be honest none is better. So like any junkie, I have to make a choice to give it up. I can't toe the line with the stuff. So in the hopes that this public statement will help me stay accountable, here it goes....I am giving up coffee. After this post is written, I am going to be a big girl, go the fridge and dump out my creamers and flavored coffee. Goodbye sweet friends, I will see you again once this baby is born and my nursing days are again over. (Well maybe once I go back to work again...hey I am only human!

Enjoying the Process

As some of you may have learned by now, my husband and I are expecting our second child in late July/early August of this year. This pregnancy really took my by surprise which is odd because we were not using birth control so technically "were trying." I went through one full cycle after getting of the pill and the next month, boom pregnant! I am certainly not complaining because I fully recognize that it makes many people a long time and lots of effort to get pregnant. However, it really took me back. It is one thing to dream of the days of pregnancy and newborn with fondness however it is quite another to accept the reality that all of this needs to be incorporated into your already busy life. I had told myself that with my second pregnancy (especially since we plan for it to be the last) I would enjoy it more and stress less. There is so much more settled in our lives than with the early stages of my pregnancy with E.

However, once that pee stick showed a double line the old ways kicked right in. I started stressing about the impact to our family and could be handle it. What if it was girl and I had to buy all new clothes? Should I change the nursery? What kind of bedding would E have? Would I use cloth from day one or disposables? What is I miscarried? What is this baby wasn't healthy? What if I drank too much coffee? How much weight was I going to gain? How was I going to start exercising again? Was I going for a VBAC or a planned s c section? And on and on and on...Then somewhere along the line in the past few weeks, I started to regain control. Most of the stuff on this list is either not important or those things of which I have no control. I do not want to look back and say I stressed the whole time or worse stressed my husband who is normally much more laid back about these things. So I have taken a collective deep breath and allowed time to bring about these answers. So going forward, I am trying to keep my cool and worry less so I can enjoy the process of it all because like most beautiful stages of life....if you blink you will miss it.

TV Monster

We have created a TV monster. As E as gotten older, we have allowed tv programming to enter his life but only under strict guidelines. He is only allowed to view PBS sponsored programming. We normally allow him to watch tv for short periods of time after he wakes up in the morning and after nap. It serves two purposes, 1) it allows him to ease into wakefulness because quite frankly sometimes he is a really crab (like is Daddy) and 2) it gives us snuggle time with our son who is constantly on the go. However, I have noticed it creeping into other times of the day as a source of entertainment so we can take a minute to breath, get something done, etc. I remember who vehemently I disagreed with this method when he was younger (and I didn't know any better). Last week's illness has only heightened this issue. He was so sick that he needed to spend lots of time resting and the our bed and TV provided a comfortable place for him to get this much needed rest. So yes, we have no one else but ourselves to blame! So now we must start the invention process despite the crying fits and loss of self time. It must be done. I certainly will not try to push my husband to follow any strict schedule as he is the stay at home parent but at this point, I think we both see it is an issue. And with baby # 2 coming this summer, we don't want he/she to be exposed to too much TV and have the same benefit as Emory. So I am about to take a deep breath, attempt a distractions, and turn off his show!

Wish me luck!

Be careful what you wish for...

I believe most toddler mamas can relate, especially those who mother boys, when I say sometimes you want them to slow down a little. Just so you can ease into the day or enjoy a leisurely afternoon at home or even have a peaceful evening!

Well, now I am wishing for my normal toddler boy to return. We have been dealing with one heck of a virus since late Thursday. Since then here is what our weekend has looked like:

-Two trips to the Pediatrician
-Chest X rays
-Nebulizer Treatments every 4-6 hours
-Countless doses of Tylenol
-Checking Temperature every few hours
-Cleaning up vomit...two nights in a row
-Laundry, laundry, and more laundry
-Pleading with E to eat and drink
-Waking up throughout the night to adjust blankets and soothe
-Dealing with whining, lots of whining
-Oh and temper tantrums
-Hours of Sprout
-Hylands Chest and Cough Meds
-Wiping running noses (his and mine)
-Disinfecting
-Mama drinking tea, popping Vitamin C, and praying to avoid the same illness

My 4 day weekend has turned into a rotation at the infirmary. So yes please, give me back my busy toddler and soon!

Less...

Do you ever look back at given day, reflect upon you thoughts, words, actions and think man am I really that snarky B*&^% I was impersonating today? I have those days a lot when I let my mouth and my emotions get away from me. It make me sad because I find in the end I have not presented a true picture of who am I or want to be. I might add that I think motherhood adds to this snarki-ness because mamas do so much comparing and have so much guilt! And really what it all comes down to is your insecurities or feelings of inadequacey. I want to be more positive and kind hearted to those around me. So my goal starting today is to be less...

judgemental
insecure
gossipy (yes I know, not really a word)
negative
dismissive
impatient

Real Food

Like most people, the start of the new year bring about resolutions and goals. I don't have a list of new things but will simply try to get back to the normal goals I have for myself and my family. Since the birth of my son and maybe even before I have had a interest in eating more "real food." The definitition of that term means different things to different people but for me it means to eat better quality foods along with more fruits and vegetables while keeping overly processed items to a minimum. Now does that mean I will never eat anything out of a box or a bag or even indulge occasionally in something greasy/unhealthy? Most certainly not but what it does mean is that less of my food choices will be surrounded by those items. In order to do this, I have been trying to plan in advance for meals and snacks. My husband does a lot of our cooking but I try to help out on my work from home days and weekends. So in the spirit of planning ahead here are some of the items on the menu for this week:

Breakfast
-Irish Oatmeal
-Whole Wheat Toast w/ Natural Peanut Butter
-Whole Wheat Banana Pancakes
-Whole Grain Cereal
-Eggs, any style

Lunch
-Egg Salad with Whole Grain Crackers
-Grilled Cheese with Whole Wheat Bread
-PBJ with Whole Wheat Bread

Dinner
-Homemade Chicken Nuggets with Sweet Potatoe Fries
-Slow Cooked Pork Sandwiches
-Chicken Pot Pie
-Homemade Hamburgers

*I am also going to try for 5-7 fruits/ vegetables per diem. I currently have the following fresh produce:
-Navel Oranges
-Clementines
-Bananas
-Strawberries
-Apples
-Green Grapes
-Colored Peppers
-Tomatoes
-Celery
-Romaine Lettuce

Tonight's Dinner:
Caprese Salad
Stuffed Shells with Pomodoro Sauce

My Kitchen Window

For as long as I can remember, I had always hoped that my "forever" home would have a window right above the sink. I thought it would make the chore of washing dishes a little less mundane if I could look out the window and day dream. I got just what I wished for in our house. There is a big window right above my sink and the backdrop is absolutely perfect. While we do live in suburban neighborhood, we are fortunate enough to have nearly two acres of land most of which is in our back yard. Our back yard is full of trees and creek so there is plenty to look at during each season. The unexpected bonus is the swing set right below the window where there are simply three swings. When we first moved in I was about 5 months pregnant and full of whimsical sentimentalism. I would wash dishes in my less then perfect kitchen and dream of the day when my children would be out in the yard playing and swinging. There have been many days where I have seen that day dream come to fruition but none more perfect than yesterday. Yesterday was gorgeous, very warm day here in Virginia. And after Emory's nap, his Daddy took him outside to play and enjoy the weather while mama stayed in to cook dinner. And I was at my sink washing and peeling potatoes I looked out my window and there it was perfection. Emory running down to the swing set to "belly swing" with his Daddy not far behind. He entertained himself with that for a little bit and then his tiny hand grabbed my husband's to walk the "trail" in our backyard. There they were my two boys walking in our woods on a Saturday afternoon, my heart was so full and then I remembered...this was my dream come true. Thank you Lord for granting me this blessing. I will treasure it always.