Part of the goal of this blog is for me to journey through the acceptance of my imperfection. I can reasonably admit that I am imperfect in words but inside it plagues me that I am in some way not measuring up. I realize this is nonsense but I find myself seeking reassurance that I am making the right choices and doing the right things for myself or my family. I think I have made progress in some ways but not in others. So in my open platform, I would like to hold my head high and acknowledge a few strong holds in my life.
My marriage is not close to perfect. We argue, we hurt, we say ugly things. We shout when we should not, we ignore, we go to bed angry. However, at the end of day we are two people totally committed to each other and our family. So yes, we forgive when others would not. And I have to force myself through tons of prayer to let go and more forward because really what is the alternative?
My son has behavior issues at school. Sure not every day but big whopper days at times. Where does this take me? No where but to a place of guilt and shame. I allow myself to somehow see his bad day as a reflection of my parenting, our marriage, or even worse me. If somehow, I was "better" he would not have issues. I ignore the many successes he may have, the fact that he is super smart and excelling in so many other ways. My husband gets upset as well and we fall into this trap of blaming ourselves. This week was one of those times. Initially, the same responses set in panic, guilt, blame and shame. However, this did not last long. Instead, I think we are taking this opportunity to reset as a family, set the boundaries our son desperately needs, and love each other through the process.
For me the inability to "measure up" to some fake standard gets me no where but down. This is totally a spiritual battle for and I realize through my faith in God I will make it to the other side.
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