Mama Struggle #1

I am sure I am not the only mama out there who would say that the journey of motherhood is hard, really hard.  There are days when I put so much pressure on myself to do or be something that I rob myself of the joy in that moment.  I am working on it.  I wanted to take some time to write about my personal struggles as a way to heal. It will be my "Mama Struggles" series. ;o)

One of my struggles as of late is my ability to produce enough breastmilk for Leia.  It seems silly when I put in into words because I really have very little control over how much milk I produce.  I had this struggle with Emory and was determined not to let it be a factor this time around.  I stressed and worried so much that by the time he was about 8 months old, I was mostly supplementing and my supply had all but dried up.  So I told myself that this time I would not do that to myself and that if I had to supplement, it would be ok and that in the long run she would be getting my milk for longer.   However, the first few days when I returned to work I started doing it again.  I fell into the self defeating, negative talk.  "Oh no why wasn't there more milk coming out?"  "What if I didn't make enough for her bottles?"  So I have read more, sought help and ultimately stressed more.  And guess what it has nearly 3 months later and my supply is about the same. Leia is perfectly healthy but sure could be gaining weight more quickly.  The peditrician has expressed no concerns.

Luckily, I have an amazing support system of friends, co-workers, family and my beloved husband.  I am trying various methods to increase my milk supply along with stressing less but what if in the end I am just a low milk producer?  What if I have to supplement to ensure my baby gets the nutrition she needs?  Does that mean I am a bad mom? The logical part of me knows that the answer is no but the emotional part of me gets in the way.  So my goal is from this day forward is to make a conscious decision about what methods I am willing to pursue that will not take from my nursing experience. And to remind myself that I am REALLY doing the best I can.

I will end on this. About a month ago after an evening pumping session, I was confiding in my husband, Nick, about how frustrating it was that while I had to work so hard some women seemed to be making gallons of milk.  I will attempt to paraphrase his response.  "You have always had to work hard at things, school, work,...but in that just makes you successes all the more impressive." Yes, after all my craziness he gets me.