I always wonder how much is too much to share when blogging. However, I have found writing to be theraputic in helping me to resolve things that are weighing me down. There is a freedom in releasing my thoughts even if no one else but me ever reads it.
My husband and I have been married 15 years. As I have said before, there have been good times and bad. We have some much history that sometimes that it in itself clouds our vision and leads to resentment, anger, and hurt. When we feel this way, it triggers responses neither one of us is proud of.
During a recent arguement the issue of feeling "in love again" came up. We both want to feel that longing for one another that comes with new love. Not the immature lust (thought truth me told, I'd like that too!) but the feeling of wanting to be together and missing one another when you aren't together. In my attempt to maintain honesty here, if no where else, I am not sure that can happen. Is it possible to push away the past, let your guard down, and openly love again? Maybe. Is is going to take an intense amount of work? Most certainly. Am I willing to put that in? Not sure. You see I have taught myself to live in survival mode, check off the to do list, and as long as no one's boast is rocked I am good to go. But is that really living? Is that the life God intended for me, my husband, or my children? So maybe it is like any other long term goal where you have to put in the work and at first you see no real glimpse of the end in sight but after a while you see a little light and then a little more.
Friends, today is not a day where I see any light. I am back at point A or even further. I know if I am objective that we have a great thing going here but it sure is a lot of work. When I break it down I have two choices, keep working or give up. So today eventhough my fleshly selfish tendencies are attempting to take over I am going to find a way to restart, take it one day at a time with the end in mine.
